The state’s ABC Board (Alabama Buzzkill Committee) Wednesday gave approval to a proposal to increase the mark-up on liquor and fortified wine 5 percent to generate more money for the state’s courts and district attorneys. This would effectively slap a 35% total tax on Bama Booze.
Although we feel the initiative will pass, the consequences have not been fully contemplated. Just think, with this rate hike alcohol consumption will likely decrease. This, We suspect a 5% decrease in late night Waffle House revenues immediately. Also a 5% decrease in ugly men landing that one girls digits at the bar Saturday night. Panini Pete's has considered using Listerine in their Bloody Mary's to cut costs as well.
Our investigators uncovered that a large "gift" of money was deposited into the ABC account from the beverage company Natural Ice inc. we find this highly suspect as more expensive booze might lead customers to choose this cheaper brand which costs so little it has to be traded using outdated Prussian currency. The ABC has estimated that Alabama will gain upwards of 2 million dollars after the tax hike is implemented. The ABC board has already issued plans with the money as well. $250,000 has already been set aside by the Board to erect large fences around the board member's home lawns, as those pesky neighborhood kids are always making trouble with their horseplay outside. Another quarter million is planned to be donated to an organization called SASTDC, or Southern American Set To Destroy Christmas. The rest of the funds will be used to destroy the Batman.
Please contact your local representative by Twitter and let them know you support Christmas, Batman, and Spiked Egg Nog immediately.
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