Sunday, March 26, 2017

The Guide To Effective Child Rearing In The Modern South.



Raising a child these days is a tough task. In the ol' days our parents had it easy. Kids go outside in the morning and come home at dusk with hungry bellies and scraped knees. You left your kids in the car on a hot summer day while you shopped in Wal-Mart and just put a cassette of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" to keep them cool. I'm assuming everyone's parents did this too.

I work hard every day as a volunteer Fairhope Policeman without any pay which makes it tough raising a family. The City refuses to issue me a paycheck as they tell me "Sir, there are no volunteer policemen positions anywhere.". It's okay though. The police usually focus on lawbreakers anyway, where my specialty is finding those that break common courtesy standards and punishing them severely by having imaginary arguments with them in my head while I shower. A guy cuts me off in traffic? Oh boy! You know he's got it coming to him tonight when I imagine myself fighting him karate style on Mount Everest to win the heart of Scarlett Johansenn (I lost anyway). 

When I get home from policing I am greeted by my kids, wife, and the fedex guy whose always at my house for some reason. The kids are usually fussing and not showing me my well earned love that I'm entitled to as a parent. I do have methods though I have adapted this year that have worked wonders on the discipline of my children:

1.  favorite child plaque- 
just like most well ran businesses an "employee of the month" system is key. On the wall hangs a empty frame with the title "favorite child". This is amazing, because I can switch it at any given time. Didn't eat your veggies? Someone lost their favorite status! This also creates friendly competition amongst the kids. Also this doesn't have to be limited to YOUR kids. Sometimes my favorite child award goes to Home Alone era Mckauley Caulkin or Baby Jesus. 

2.  Chalkboard Living Will- 
Upon a large children's chalkboard in my kitchen I have written out my full living Will. A relationship with your children, wife, or other family is always changing so why let your Will lag behind? I often  change it several times a day and make sure lil' Johnny knows he's not getting any inheritance if he doesn't produce the best macaroni art in kindergarten today. It's also fun to change your wife's name and see if she notices "Alexxa" is getting the house when I pass. 

3. Here is the most important trick-
I've got nothin'. Just felt like a numbered list needs more than two things in it. Probably shouldn't have made a list like that. Oh well. 

4. On second thought-
I guess I could just edit the list out and make it one story. I'm too stubborn though. I mean... sometimes I'm so stubborn that I hold my pee in for hours because I just don't want to go to the bathroom. It's even worse as I moonlight as a bathroom attendant at the grand. I would only have to take a few steps towards the stall. Oh well.

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