Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Scientists discover startling epidemic at local health food store.


Cristina, as she appears now.
Cristina Bowden was a normal teenage girl attending Faulkner College and studying in the nursing program. Over the summer of 2014 she got a job at Fairhope Health Foods and things began to change rapidly. Her parents noticed quickly her usual meticulously tidy appearance started to change. What had happened? Over the next 2 months brown, crispy things started to grow from her scalp where there used to be hair. Her scent changed from the usual floral Dior perfume into some patchouli oil cloud of musk. Upon visiting the store for themselves the Bowden family realized this has spread to the entire staff. That's when the Bowdens contacted NASA.

Scientists have been residing at the Grand Hotel conducting a secret study of the store to hopefully discover the culprit of the disease. They have watched everything inside for many months and have collected some startling evidence. NASA chief of biomedical engineering Chris Brinkley spoke briefly about the study:
"We first believed it to be a rogue bacteria strain in the Kombucha, but it that was a negative. We then looked at the Probiotics with no clear results. Finally, we had to assume we're dealing with a contamination of an intelligent life form from some other place or time. They're using these workers as some kind of host body!"

Tony discovering the meaning of life in his toenails.
Tony Martin, another worker hired last summer has seen the effects of the infiltration. Where he used to be a fan a R&B music and old Hip Hop, he now can't enjoy music unless it's from Widespread Panic. Coincidentally, Widespread Panic is a band composed of all health food store workers. The music is believed to house some kind of hidden communication that gives the workers their orders and also makes white people believe they can dance good at festivals. Tony also reported to TFI that sometimes he goes into long conversations with strangers about "the meaning of consciousness" for hours without realizing it.

What's interesting about the studied new species is their lack of medication use. Most of them cure their ailments with just expensive vitamins and Quinoa. Quinoa is a grain that was used for centuries in the middle east. It taste like rice, but has the advantages of being more expensive and makes you feel closer to your yoga buddies.

It's unclear what the stubby things protruding from their heads are but it is speculated to be some type of antennae. The knobs could perhaps pick up signals for Phish tour dates or even be some kind of reproductive organ. Speaking of reproduction, the mating ritual has been been much studied over the last year. It seems Annually, the workers from across America migrate towards Gulf Shores to Hangout Music Festival in hopes to spawn and fill all fleshy crevices with sand.

The latest updated report from NASA claims that the lifeforms are not hostile, but do have a massive plan initiated globally. From what scientists have decoded from the latest Widespread Panic album it seems that the plan involves a planetary 3 billion human drum circle and making hemp fashionable once and for all.

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