Monday, July 24, 2017

FAIRHOPE PREPARES FOR WEEKLY MIGRATION OF ELDERLY TO PIGGLY WIGGLY. MANY CASUALTIES EXPECTED



On a brisk Thursday morning in Fairhope many pedestrians can be seen glaring into the distance down business 98. On the horizon you can barely make out the glimmering metallic sheen of nearly 200 Buick's as they head south towards town.
Fairhope is unique in it's culture and with the evolved migrating patterns of it's residents. Every week an amazing thing happens here much like the migration Salmon or with the Galapagos Tortoise in that the residents of over 90 years of age get up from their recliners as the Piggly Wiggly beckons to their spirit. Many will hear the call of The Pig, but only the strong will make it.
The fleet of Buick's gets closer to the crowd and even at a mile away you can see the erratic swerving side to side. One Oldsmobile can be seen making a left turn from the far right lane only to change it's mind and turn right, then left again. One car leading the pack is blaring the sweet country sounds of Conway Twitty and it almost serves as some sort of war drum beating to the rhythm and exciting the army. The truly chosen of the bunch with the most courageous spirit will bypass The Pig and head onward towards Wal-Mart, Lord be with them.
For cyclists, runners, and pedestrians the rules of an approaching Geriatric Tornado follow the same guidelines as a real tornado. Look for shelter, get off the roadway, and if neither are possible lie down flat in a ditch with rap music playing loudly. The music acts as a deterrent sending the flock elsewhere while muttering "This generation!" in unison. 
The elders don't always get along while out running errands. Gangs are formed within the groups in many towns. In Fairhope the gangs include the Brennity Ballers, Homestead Village Strikers, and Westminster Warlocks. If rival gangs cross paths in the dairy aisle things could get hairy fast. Who could forget the epic throwdown between the Brennity and Homestead Village at Windmill Market in 2012? Locals dubbed the event "The Thrilla in Windmilla".
All said and done please be cautious on the roads today, and if you do not have to be on the roadways, please remain indoors.

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