Friday, July 7, 2017


The beginning stages of Gloria's Vibrio
Last week gulf coast news outlets blew up with reports of a tourist who had contracted a flesh eating bacteria while fishing with radioactive Mobile shrimp. Local health experts have raised alarms on swimming in the Mobile Bay until the water is deemed safe. Usually, the bacteria Vibrio Vulnificus can be treated quickly with only moderate damage to the epidermis, but for Gloria Steinbeck... the results were catastrophic.

Mobile Bay, Alabama
The 70 year old woman Gloria, from Mississippi, thought she would spend the rest of her days in peace lounging on her custom cedar rocking chair overlooking her 10 acre farm. Wednesday morning however, she awoke reborn as what seems to be a lobster human hybrid. She was devastated when she looked into her mirror seeing a deformed and shiny red shell where skin used to be. Her claws made it nearly impossible to function in her household which all led to her spiral into depression.

Gloria would not be broken though. Like all living creatures since the beginning of life itself she learned to adapt. Gloria learned to use her claws for something useful. She began taking on new jobs around the area: cracking open oysters in Bayou la Batre setting a new record for most oysters shelled in a single hour. She also lived out her childhood fantasy of becoming a professional dancer when she got a gig performing a dance routine in the giant tank in Bass Pro Shop.

Gloria spoke with TFI stating "I may be 70 years old... but I feel like my life has just begun!"

Scientists are not sure how human years translate to lobster years so Gloria has taken her future in to account. She has become a registered organ donor with plans to donate her organs and flesh meat to Sunset Pointe in Fairhope Alabama. Panini Pete, the owner of the establishment has promised to fulfill her wish by making her into a fantastic special. Maybe those crab meatball thingies.

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