Wednesday, December 27, 2017

The Quintessential Guide to dressing like a Fairhope Man.

                                                                                                        So you just moved to Fairhope, Alabama, and you want to look like a local?  Here's your step by step guide that will take you from Fauxhope to Fairhope in 7 easy steps. Just open up your wallet and prepare to get preppy.

1. Start Loafing Around-
Toss your old kicks in the recycle bin and pick up some of these leather loafers. You can wear these for a quick downtown stroll or maybe even a light jog. If you have to exercise, why not look good doing it?  Socks need not apply.

2. Pay your respects to the Salt Gods-

The gulf coast Cult known as Salt Life has millions of followers from Louisiana all the way to Florida. If you see a follower of the Salt Life walking the streets, pay your respect by putting your hands together overhead in the "Fins Up" position. It's not good to disrespect a Salt Lifer, as their sodium intake has affected their blood pressure, and you never know how far into the Corona they've been that day.

 3. Gotta vent that sweaty back, Jack!

Nothing ruins a date faster than a super sweaty upper back. That's why these special shirts are a godsend. It also gives easy access for a back massage when you're finishing up dinner at Hardee's. Better yet, flip this shirt around and you have a perfect breastfeeding gown.

4.  I'd ad"Vise" you to purchase one of these Visor caps-

Why let your genetically superior thick hair go unnoticed under a silly hat? With this head ornament you can block the rays while still letting your lovely locks loose.

5.  Real men wear Armadillo skin belts-

Alligator is for sissies and Florida people. 

6. I like my shorts like I like my Bagels... covered in Salmon.

Don't be a wimp and opt for the long normal shorts. The shorter the shorts, the better. You know they're short enough when your teenagers refuse to be seen with you. If you lack the confidence to pull these off, imagine that ZZ Top singing "He's got legs, and he knows how to use them" in your head. 

7.  Don't let your nipples get frostbitten!

According to Columbia Clothing's website, 70% of it's revenue is generated from selling vests particularly in Baldwin County. That's largely due to the fact that chemicals in Mobile Bay have genetically mutated males in the area to have extra sensitive nipples that can only tolerate warm climates. That's why you'll often find these handy vests being worn in October with shorts and sandals.

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