FAIRHOPE, Ala. — Following a unanimous 5-0 vote, the Fairhope school board announced Tuesday that the district’s 90-year-old Pirate mascot will be retired in favor of “Brody,” a broccoli-haired youth minister who officials say “poses no threat to anyone, including opposing teams.” The move came after a review found the longtime mascot’s cutlass, eyepatch, and habit of “taking things that aren’t his” were incompatible with the district’s modern values. Brody, who made his debut at a pep rally by asking the crowd to “scoot in closer and share how their week was going,” is expected to lead the Fairhope Youth Ministers into the fall season armed only with an acoustic guitar and a lukewarm cup of coffee. “We wanted something more inclusive and less piracy-adjacent,” said one unnamed administrator, visibly relieved to be rid of the “constant arrr-ing.” At press time, the retired Pirate was reportedly seen at a local marina, loudly telling no one in particular that he’d “had a good run.”
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