Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Exposing Fairhope's Sex Crazed Community!




I've heard rumors circulating through the city about a secret "signal" used at the local Publix involving a Pineapple placed upside down in ones shopping cart. Supposedly this signals to other shoppers that your'e in the market for something other than delicious citrus fruit. I had to investigate this for myself.

I told my wife and children goodbye and let them know that I was going to the grocery possibly never to return. Once at Publix i made my way to the fruit section and grabbed the forbidden fruit. Placing a pineapple upside down is a tricky task by the way. I recommend to the swinging community a simpler "signal", like maybe a banana flanked by two Fuji apples or maybe a cart with 69 kiwis spilling out.

The response was nearly immediate. A lady of i'm guessing 75 years of age (who woulda thought?) approached me asking me "Are you planning to make a pineapple upside cake?". I replied "Is that what the kids are calling it now?" and she responded "Yes. I think so.". I politely declined but I did help her download the Tinder app on her Jitterbug before I sent her on her way.

The next encounter happened in the cereal aisle. I was deciding between the box of sugar with Spongebob or Dora on the front (Easy decision) when a young Publix worker approached me. She looked at me with her bedroom eyes and asked "can I help you find something?" while she blatantly winked at me with both eyes at the same time. "I know what your'e trying to say." I told her. "Do you do this kind of thing often?". She replied that she does this thing pretty much every day 40 hour a week and that she actually gets PAID for it!

The plot thickens.

So it seems that Publix themselves not only permit this behavior, but in fact pay their workers for it. Prostitution is no laughing matter. I went back to the girl and asked "ma'am can I help you in any way? You can do so much better than this!". She looked perplexed and said "what are you talking about sir?". I looked around at all the people surrounding us and knew exactly what to do.

I feel like I'm a pretty amazing singer and I was blessed with the perfect opportunity to showcase my talent while at the same time inspiring this girl to give up her working girl status. I belted out the Police's best song Roxanne in the beautiful high pitch screech that made Sting famous. I'm not sure about the results but I'm guessing that woman is applying for med school as we speak.


1 comment:

  1. I don't know who you are, but your posts have me crying with laughter and wondering if I know you. I'm tickled with these hilarious posts. We've wondered about the pineapple rumor for years but have been too chicken to try it. Good for your bravery ;)

    ReplyDelete

  BREAKING: Changes to the First Baptist church steeple are nearing completion early Thursday morning. The church is graciously accepting a ...