CONSPIRACY THEORIES REGARDING FAIRHOPE ROUNDABOUTS EMERGE TODAY

In 2016 Fairhope closed off all traffic to the intersection of Fairhope Avenue and 13 for the construction of a roundabout. This perturbed some, but eventually gained the satisfaction of the community upon completion. Not even a year later however, another roundabout went under construction on Gayfer.

This may not raise eyebrows around the city, but TFI has dug deep to uncover the TRUTH about what happening in Fairhope. As we can see from the provided image, the roundabouts have been installed along county road 13 going north. Some rumors have even circulated about a roundabout at the intersection of 13 and 104. What we are left with is 3 roundabouts on 13... 3 circles some would even say. What's strange about this is that not far from 13 to the east lies a church with an unusual name...

3 Circles Church was established with great enthusiasm here some time ago, and holds a good sized congregation. It's strange that no one has bothered to ask what "3 Circles" means. Some point towards the holy trinity, but it doesn't make much sense to name a church after onion celery and green peppers. The new roundabouts may shed some light on the name AND the reason behind the traffic circles.

Some remember past conspiracy theories about the flower clock further down 104 and certain connections within the adjacent church to local government possibly being the reason for it's placement. We at TFI believe that the new Traffic Circles are a large marketing campaign for 3 Circles church years in the making. The real question is who's lining whose pockets? On top of this is the announcement that each circle will hold a small community garden holding onion, celery, and green pepper further verifies our theory.

To further expand on the rumors let us look further towards the gas station controversy at the Fairhope ave. roundabout. Obviously a gas station placed directly in a roundabout should be a
Circle K. Every bit of logic would point to this, but it seems that may not be the case. We urge you to write your local politician to make sure this will be a Circle K! It's fate.

NEW CLASS AT ART CENTER OFFERS INSTRUCTS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR VERY OWN 'DILLO PURSE

The Eastern Shore Art Center on Bancroft street has officially sold out the max number of spots for it's new trendy crafting class for making Armadillo Purses and Manbags. The class gained social media recognition when local celebrity Fannie Flagg was seen sporting one on her Snapchat account. Soon enough, everyone HAD to have one on the Eastern Shore.

The class is taught by local Tammy Keaton who grew up in Barnwell. Tammy says that she spent her teenage years sewing up local roadkill into fantastic jackets and hats. She had no idea that she would be making a career out of this.

FAIRHOPE TEENS INCREASINGLY LOSING JOBS TO ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

For many years our open border has been penetrated by illegals looking for nothing but Alabama coastal warmth and free handouts. According to the latest research however, the free handouts are not enough anymore. The Illegals are now taking jobs in the Fairhope Daphne area, jobs that are already very competitively fought for.

Amelia Grace, 17, from Daphne went into interview at Champy's Chicken yesterday. She tells TFI that she waited with several others in the dining area for her turn to give it her best shot. Suddenly, the door behind the counter opened and out walked the store's general manager... and a Canadian Goose. The manager, smiling a big toothy grin, extended a hand to the goose as he said "Congratulations Sir! We'll see you bright and early Monday morning.". Amelia and the rest of the interviewees were sent home without even a chance.

This story is becoming all to common on the Eastern Shore.  Anyone who has eaten out recently has certainly been waited on by a Goose or God forbid a Mallard.  Just last night I went for a late night Cafe Au Lait at Coffee Loft and swear I saw a goose dealing drugs in the parking lot. No one's job is safe.

Governor Kay Ivey has sent an emergency request to President Trump for the construction of a Northern Wall to keep them out and we are awaiting a Tweet in response. The Ducks and Geese have not infiltrated Twitter yet which is a benefit to the humans. They apparently are still using outdated social media platforms Quacker and Honker (not to be confused with "Honkers", the Tinder app for single geese.").

Mayor Wilson of Fairhope has proposed a short term solution in the meantime by commanding an emergency "Special Menu Change" for all gourmet restaurants who will have to serve Foie Gras until otherwise noted. Some oppose the change altogether and choose to show support of the Fowl by wearing V-Cut tee shirt, symbolic of the trademark V pattern geese fly in when not stealing our Ubers.

LOCAL METEOROLOGIST STUNNED AFTER SPINNING WEATHER WHEEL AND GETTING WEATHER RIGHT

The National Weather Association awarded James Johnson, the local meteorologist, the award for outstanding weather predicting this morning after Johnson correctly guessing the weather for this morning. Johnson states that he spun his official NWA Weather Wheel landing on "cloudy" this morning.

This is the first time a meteorologist in the Mobile area has correctly identified the weather, especially in these early summer months. TFI asked the NWA what the protocol was for when the Weather Wheel lands in-between two weather forecasts. They report that in this instance the standard operating procedure is to consult the official "Magic 8 Ball".  For example- "8 Ball, will it rain this morning?" it replies "maybe".

NEARLY 900 PARTICIPANTS GATHER ON PIER TO BREAK RECORD FOR WORLDS BIGGEST HUG-

Last weekend saw a huge influx of travelers parking around downtown Fairhope to join in an attempt to break a Guinness World Record for biggest hug. The previous record had 600 people joined up to embrace each other for nearly a minute. Fairhope's Committee For Record Breaking And Waste Water Management had the idea last fall and has been marketing the campaign across the Southeast.

Saturday morning the participants changed into their sleek attire, skin-suits and special hug hats, that provide the most ergonomic embrace between several people. The special suits lessened the overall square footage of the hug pile allowing them to fit on the pier.

The organizers called off numbers and one by one the hug started, multiplying with exponential speed until almost 899 people were fully embraced. One participant, Frank Durf, fell of the pier and was carried off by geese. Some say you could smell the hug from downtown. With the humidity and the skin suits you could see members squirming a sliding through the crowd like a pile of earthworms at a Widespread Panic concert.

The event was a huge success and drew in many tourist to spend money locally. Organizers hope to break some record every year to continue their success.

NEW "FISH-CHUGGING" CRAZE HITS GULF COAST-

Next time you take a sunset promenade down Fairhope Pier don't be surprised to see boaters and locals carrying a fish full of beer. The trend started when an anonymous fisherman mixed together a margarita and poured the the concoction into the mouth of a Red Snapper to attain the brininess he desired. He reportedly gave the fish a shake and turned the fish upright and finished the drink in one go. Now, everyone is jumping aboard this trend.

What once started out as a "challenge" or a dare has now caught on by local gourmet restaurants who are using the fish that once served as entrees for drinking vessels. Dragonfly's Flybar has a cocktail being served dubbed the Dirty Troutini, a mixture of Gin and Vermouth served from a fresh spotted trout. Shux on the pier has taken another route with their special Red & Red drink, a Red Stripe beer served in a chilled Redfish.

Fish and Wildlife services for Alabama have reached out to TFI to actually give their approval for the fad. They say that as long as you Catch and Release, as in Catch a buzz and Release the fish back into it's habitat it's not harmful for the fish population and actually helps the fish psychologically. Scientists say that fish lack physical contact from their parents and long for the gentle touch of any creature. The human contact with the fish help them to maintain healthy relationships with the future generations of fish in the gulf.

FEUD ERUPTS INVOLVING MOBILE RAPPER "MOBILLIONAIRE" AND THE "EAST SHORE BOYZ"-

Mobillionaire in all his glory

Tension has never been so high with the ever so popular rappers from the east and western shores of Mobile Bay. Rumors about the start of the feud involve an incident where Daphne Rapper "Juba Lee", a member of the East Shore Boys commented on Mo-Billionaire's Facebook page "sorry about your loss 😂" concerning the death of Mo-billionaire's dearly beloved dog "Cash Money". Juba says he meant to use the "😭" emoji, but the feud had already begun.

East Coast Boyz

Mo-Billionaire struck back swiftly with a "diss track" titled "East Coast Chumps" where he spit verse saying-

"Better watch out for dat east coast,
Dem boyz puttin' foie gras on their toast,
Don't come around here better stay put,
Got a Yacht but the thing is only 20 foot."

East Coast Boyz couldn't let this go without losing cred in there hometown, and responded in kind with their track "Bayway? No Way"-

"Think you got good food on Dauphin?,
I'm here scoffin,
Our chef's here be choppin'
Bayway ain't crossin
Best catch me in a coffin"

When ECB dissed Mobiles culinary skills the feud turned into all out war with songs released every week attacking Mobile's Maritime Museum to Fairhope's pier and everything in-between. The east coast- west coast rivalry is like the rivalry in the 90's rap scene but bigger. TFI will be backing this story up with breaking news coverage throughout the year. Both sides are gearing up as we speak for Total warfare next spring- in the form of a Mardi Gras "parade off" to see which side truly rules the bay...

Nature Connect Outdoor School in Daphne hires Giant Tortoise as new Professor of Math & Sciences.

Nature Connect Outdoor School located near old town Daphne was founded on the idea of unplugging children from the tech world and providing an atmosphere where children could thrive using their imaginations in a relaxed environment. The current administration is still breaking through social norms and have raised many eyebrows with their latest decision to bring a Giant Tortoise in as head of the math and science department.

Leroy, the amphibian extraordinaire, was found in Mobile bay nearly 35 years ago. In that short time with the help of his friends, he was able to acquire a GED and build up his reading level higher than most Floridians. The board of education is crossing their fingers for the success of Leroy after the fiasco of 2017 when directors experimented with a new educational style having the Students teach the teacher instead. This was also preceded by an incident in 2015 where students were at one time instructed to eat lizards "to acquire their wisdom".

Rising rent prices are forcing young Fairhopers to opt to live on their Yacht instead.

His parents very proud after he packs box "all by himself."

Rental property seems to be popping up everywhere in Fairhope with the latest surge of newcomers willing to dish out thousands for any Fairhope property. A tiny cottage in the right area could fetch $2k these days and speculators see a bubble ripe for the bursting. For the young Fairhopers looking to break out of mom's basement the expensive rentals are not very appealing, instead some are opting to do other things with the cash available to them...

Mairie Madison, 19, from Point Clear tells TFI

that her and 2 other friends have been renting a 3 bedroom house in the "Fruit n Nut" district for $2,500 monthly. This month they plan to break their lease and purchase a Yacht. This way they can dock the Yacht for cheaper rates at any location and in the meantime make money by renting the Yacht out for Rap videos.

James Thurston, 21, from Montrose says his parents have allotted him $25k this year in advance for living expenses. He tells his parents that he is renting an apartment off of Gayfer rd. but in actuality has spent the money on a bid for a chance to go to the moon with Elon Musk. He currently is living at the Duck Pond and tells TFI, "I just thought this was a better investment.". 

Mary Cassady, 54, uses the popular website Air BnB to rent out her bathroom in her condo downtown. She states "I have a 2 bathroom condo so I don't really need the other. I just rent it out monthly as a living space for usually about $600. Once theress enough quilts and pillow in the bathtub it really is quite cozy!"

Only time will tell how long this lasts, but until then we at TFI are renting out every closet via AirBnB for very decent prices. On top of a fully functioning bucket toilet in every closet guests will also get complimentary Eggo Waffles for a limited time. Act now!