Alabama prepares for booze tax. Here's what you need to know...

 

The state’s ABC Board (Alabama Buzzkill Committee) Wednesday gave approval to a proposal to increase the mark-up on liquor and fortified wine 5 percent to generate more money for the state’s courts and district attorneys. This would effectively slap a 35% total tax on Bama Booze. 

Although we feel the initiative will pass, the consequences have not been fully contemplated. Just think, with this rate hike alcohol consumption will likely decrease. This, We suspect a 5% decrease in late night Waffle House revenues immediately. Also a 5% decrease in ugly men landing that one girls digits at the bar Saturday night. Panini Pete's has considered using Listerine in their Bloody Mary's to cut costs as well. 

 Our investigators uncovered that a large "gift" of money was deposited into the ABC account from the beverage company Natural Ice inc. we find this highly suspect as more expensive booze might lead customers to choose this cheaper brand which costs so little it has to be traded using outdated Prussian currency. 

The ABC has estimated that Alabama will gain upwards of 2 million dollars after the tax hike is implemented. The ABC board has already issued plans with the money as well.  $250,000 has already been set aside by the Board to erect large fences around the board member's home lawns, as those pesky neighborhood kids are always making trouble with their horseplay outside.  Another quarter million is planned to be donated to an organization called SASTDC, or Southern American Set To Destroy Christmas. The rest of the funds will be used to destroy the Batman.

Please contact your local representative by Twitter and let them know you support Christmas, Batman, and Spiked Egg Nog immediately.

The Guide To Effective Child Rearing In The Modern South.

Raising a child these days is a tough task. In the ol' days our parents had it easy. Kids go outside in the morning and come home at dusk with hungry bellies and scraped knees. You left your kids in the car on a hot summer day while you shopped in Wal-Mart and just put a cassette of Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" to keep them cool. I'm assuming everyone's parents did this too.

I work hard every day as a volunteer Fairhope Policeman without any pay which makes it tough raising a family. The City refuses to issue me a paycheck as they tell me "Sir, there are no volunteer policemen positions anywhere.". It's okay though. The police usually focus on lawbreakers anyway, where my specialty is finding those that break common courtesy standards and punishing them severely by having imaginary arguments with them in my head while I shower. A guy cuts me off in traffic? Oh boy! You know he's got it coming to him tonight when I imagine myself fighting him karate style on Mount Everest to win the heart of Scarlett Johansenn (I lost anyway). 

When I get home from policing I am greeted by my kids, wife, and the fedex guy whose always at my house for some reason. The kids are usually fussing and not showing me my well earned love that I'm entitled to as a parent. I do have methods though I have adapted this year that have worked wonders on the discipline of my children:

1.  favorite child plaque- 

just like most well ran businesses an "employee of the month" system is key. On the wall hangs a empty frame with the title "favorite child". This is amazing, because I can switch it at any given time. Didn't eat your veggies? Someone lost their favorite status! This also creates friendly competition amongst the kids. Also this doesn't have to be limited to YOUR kids. Sometimes my favorite child award goes to Home Alone era Mckauley Caulkin or Baby Jesus. 

2.  Chalkboard Living Will- 

Upon a large children's chalkboard in my kitchen I have written out my full living Will. A relationship with your children, wife, or other family is always changing so why let your Will lag behind? I often  change it several times a day and make sure lil' Johnny knows he's not getting any inheritance if he doesn't produce the best macaroni art in kindergarten today. It's also fun to change your wife's name and see if she notices "Alexxa" is getting the house when I pass. 

3. Here is the most important trick-

I've got nothin'. Just felt like a numbered list needs more than two things in it. Probably shouldn't have made a list like that. Oh well. 

4. On second thought-

I guess I could just edit the list out and make it one story. I'm too stubborn though. I mean... sometimes I'm so stubborn that I hold my pee in for hours because I just don't want to go to the bathroom. It's even worse as I moonlight as a bathroom attendant at the grand. I would only have to take a few steps towards the stall. Oh well.

Bouch's Cigar Lounge entices new customers by going Non-Smoking.

 Bouch's cigar lounge, located on S. Section, is a favorite hangout for many locals and tourists alike. There's nothing better for some than to play a quick 9 holes of golf and relax down at the cigar lounge for the rest of the afternoon.  The only problem for many is the dense fog of cigar smoke that permeates the air inside and out. To solve this issue Bouch's has vowed a progressive stance by switching to Non-Smoking throughout the facility. Customers can now browse the shelves of premium hand rolled cigars while breathing fresh Fairhope air. Now you can see groups of men laughing and slapping each other on the back while they chew on their unlit cigar or while vaping, which is still allowed.

Man in coma after charged by crowd of uncontrollable women-

 This photo was taken seconds before a crowd of unruly women charged at this attendee of the Arts & Crafts Festival.   he un-identified man was found unconscious covered in lipstick sealed kiss marks. The dog was no help to his owner as women love a man with a dog and thus made the situation escalate. The young woman can be seen photographing the man's behind on her phone and had tweeted "OMG he got dat Hank Hill booty #thirsty #mancrush #imtoosexyformyshirt". The man was covered with a blanket to help control the riot.

Local man becomes Millionaire due to Arts & Crafts festival

The Fairhope Arts & Crafts festival kicks off this week and many locals are seeing a huge payoff due to the event. According to numbers being published from the driftwood market the value of driftwood and driftwood art pieces have risen 600%. Tom Boonen, a Fairhope native, looks to have hit the Jackpot after the turn of events.

Tom lives off of county road 1 and he spends every weekend cleaning off his waterfront property of the pesky driftwood washed ashore. He throws the collected wood in a storage shed out back as it used to cost more money to dispose of it than to just keep it himself. This weekend, with the Arts Festival many travelers from across America discovered many works of art made from the driftwood including: painted driftwood, driftwood furniture, driftwood shaped as animals,etc. The list goes on like Bubba describing the shrimp selection at Market by The Bay.

The "Snowbirds" began looking for driftwood for sale for their own projects to make at home and it became a game of supply and demand. The S&D 500 (or, the Seashells And Driftwood 500), a lesser known stock index began to see a sharp spike upward with Driftwood stocks doubling, tripling, then seeing gains of 600%. by Friday. Tom decided its time to clean house. The wood in his shed fetched nearly 3.3 Million dollars on the open market today and quickly too.

TFI spoke to Mr. Boonen about what he'll do with his newly earned millionaire status. Apparently, Tom plans to use his money to move a few miles north up Scenic 98 where his cash may work as a good deposit on a home there. He also plans to "make it rain" on The Grand's breakfast buffet.

The S&D 500 is seeing driftwood prices start to settle down already though for those planning to sell their wood saving. Analysts do speculate however, that paintings of sand dunes with sea oats and a sunset will gain value fast this next week. TFI is putting all of our money on beach paintings.

Scientists discover startling epidemic at local health food store.

                                                   

Cristina, as she appears now.

Cristina Bowden was a normal teenage girl attending Faulkner College and studying in the nursing program. Over the summer of 2014 she got a job at Fairhope Health Foods and things began to change rapidly. Her parents noticed quickly her usual meticulously tidy appearance started to change. What had happened? Over the next 2 months brown, crispy things started to grow from her scalp where there used to be hair. Her scent changed from the usual floral Dior perfume into some patchouli oil cloud of musk. Upon visiting the store for themselves the Bowden family realized this has spread to the entire staff. That's when the Bowdens contacted NASA.

Scientists have been residing at the Grand Hotel conducting a secret study of the store to hopefully discover the culprit of the disease. They have watched everything inside for many months and have collected some startling evidence. NASA chief of biomedical engineering Chris Brinkley spoke briefly about the study:
 
"We first believed it to be a rogue bacteria strain in the Kombucha, but it that was a negative. We then looked at the Probiotics with no clear results. Finally, we had to assume we're dealing with a contamination of an intelligent life form from some other place or time. They're using these workers as some kind of host body!"

Tony discovering the meaning of life in his toenails.

Tony Martin, another worker hired last summer has seen the effects of the infiltration. Where he used to be a fan a R&B music and old Hip Hop, he now can't enjoy music unless it's from Widespread Panic. Coincidentally, Widespread Panic is a band composed of all health food store workers. The music is believed to house some kind of hidden communication that gives the workers their orders and also makes white people believe they can dance good at festivals. Tony also reported to TFI that sometimes he goes into long conversations with strangers about "the meaning of consciousness" for hours without realizing it.

What's interesting about the studied new species is their lack of medication use. Most of them cure their ailments with just expensive vitamins and Quinoa. Quinoa is a grain that was used for centuries in the middle east. It taste like rice, but has the advantages of being more expensive and makes you feel closer to your yoga buddies.

It's unclear what the stubby things protruding from their heads are but it is speculated to be some type of antennae. The knobs could perhaps pick up signals for Phish tour dates or even be some kind of reproductive organ. Speaking of reproduction, the mating ritual has been been much studied over the last year. It seems Annually, the workers from across America migrate towards Gulf Shores to Hangout Music Festival in hopes to spawn and fill all fleshy crevices with sand.

The latest updated report from NASA claims that the lifeforms are not hostile, but do have a massive plan initiated globally. From what scientists have decoded from the latest Widespread Panic album it seems that the plan involves a planetary 3 billion human drum circle and making hemp fashionable once and for all.
 

Greer's enforces "Customer Only" parking... Panini Pete's suffers.

Greer's market in Fairhope has been a staple of the community for many years providing the locals with a good variety of groceries without the hassle of Wal-Mart crowds. Anyone who has struggled to find downtown parking close to the French Quarter has probably once in their lifetime pulled in to Greers, looked sneakily around, and ran across the street disobeying the Customer Parking Only signs. Now that has changed.

Greer's has decided to enforce the rules to keep unwanted guest out and to keep parking open to Greer's shoppers. Now, A constructed wooden guard tower has been tactically erected in the center of the parking lot manned by a guard armed with paintball guns and water balloons. Anyone veering away from the entrance heading across section or to Faulkner will be shot on site. To further ensure the system works, each person entering the lot will be asked to fill out a series of 16 lengthy forms with questions that cover their grocery plans to their favorite flavor of Moon Pie. The whole process can take up to 3 hours to gain entry. The final step in the plan was a brick and mortar wall reaching 25 feet across the east and west parking lot. Rumors have circulated that "Coyotes" have been asking $25 dollars to sneak Fairhopers to and from the parking lot unnoticed.

There are many casualties to the change. French quarter businesses have suffered with customer numbers dropping 5% since last week.

FAIRHOPE POLICE BEAT: FEBRUARY-

     FEB 10th, 1:12pm-  Fairhope Police Dept responded to a complaint from Dragonfly Food Bar       regarding the kidnapping of a customer. Officers arrived on the scene to discover that the owner of The Church Mouse across the street, who often can be seen practicing his fly fishing in the middle of Church street, had actually caught something... a woman! The owner gave a statement to the officer saying the woman was a rare breed known as the Taco Eating Tennessean weighing in around 134lbs, The biggest catch all year. "She put up a good fight, but I caught her with a homemade pork rind lure and the hook had set good.".  The Owner of Dragonfly was upset, but did not press charges.

     FEB 18th, 8pm-  Police responded to a noise complaint coming from The Venue in downtown Fairhope Saturday night. The Venue located on S. Section was playing host to the "Bitches Ball" celebrating the annual Mystic Mutts parade. The officers found that the animals were themselves quiet and well behaved, but the volume had been set too high on the sound system's Sub-WOOFers. The Fairhope K-9 unit was asked to stay and party as one dog was overheard saying "He always knows where to get the best stuff.".

     FEB 25th, 7:30pm-  Lead reporter Rick Dickerson for the Fairhope Inquisitor made an emergency call to 911 Saturday night at the Fairhope parade when he was struck by a Moon Pie, or what he believed to be a moon pie. He had dove nearly 4 feet into the air to snatch the Moon Pie before the pack of greedy little toddlers could get their hands on it when lo and behold he found this was no Moon Pie at all, but a Sara Lee knock-off. Rick notified authorities about the situation promptly.

Some Fairhopers voice concern over firing in two top city positions.

     A local man who described himself as Tim came to TFI headquarters to inform us of an improper firing directly in result of Mayor Wilson. The jobs he states were that of Mayor of the city of Fairhope and also the position of Head of Utilities in Fairhope. Tim was very upset about the sacking of the employees as he held both titles himself. Tim stated "nobody should have to be fired twice in one day. I mean, that's two paychecks I won't be bringing home now.". 

 

     Many Fairhopers are outraged saying that the fired employee was "really nice" and that "he held that position so long it's not fair to fire him now". News outlets are releasing many articles although not much is certain at this time about the situation, but the word on the street is that the employee is a "really nice good person" and some people that met him once heard another guy say "he seemed really nice". 

     TFI has not yet confirmed how nice the fired employee is, but we did shake his hand once and he smiled politely.

Investigation finds little plastic Jesus babies turn out to be molded in the image of a Florida Man

A startling confession shook the South this morning when a man in west Florida opened up about the true identity of the plastic King Cake baby. After one too many Busch Lights, Ricky Hamben took to Facebook to share his secret. Apparently, 32 years ago the giant manufacturer of assorted plastics Hasbro used Ricky's unusual likeness to mold the design of the original plastic baby Jesus. Plastering a real baby was deemed unethical, but Ricky's abnormally large head and cherub-like rear end was just what Hasbro was looking for. For just two tickets to the Daytona 500, Ricky waived all royalties and was immortalized forever.

Ricky Hamby

TFI got a quick chance to speak to Ricky this morning. He states:

"You know... every time I saw a family eating a King Cake (starts crying)... They thought it was Jesus they almost swallowed, but it was just me. It was just me. Just me."

Many bakeries from Pensacola all the way to Houston are scrambling to re-label the delicious pastries now that the term "King Cake" is not acceptable. We've spoke to the local Warehouse Bakery in Fairhope who will now label the dessert "Ricky Round Rolls". Publix supermarket chain has also went another direction with advertising offering "Ricky Rings" with the usual fillings of cream cheese and strawberry, but now serving a new cake with wintergreen Skoal chewing tobacco filling.

After an amazing morning of incredible news We at TFI are most impressed by how many people have Googled "What is the plural form of Jesus?".

THE CIVIL WAR RAGES ON IN FAIRHOPE AS "YANKEES" TARGET CIVILIAN IN CROWDS

People on the Eastern Shore are well aware of the terrorism that exist in our own back yard. It seems that with every parade or festivity where large crowds of hundreds of people gather together it never fails that a Fairhoper comes forth on their blog or through Facebook to tell of horrific stories about the Yankees pushing and shoving their way into our southern space. Apparently during Saturdays Mystic Mutts parade downtown some of the Northern Aggressors were being extra greedy with throws. Reports have also been made similarly during the annual tree lighting and pretty much any crowded event. Can you imagine someone shoving in a crowd of 500 people? The question is why do they do this? Well TFI did some deep investigating on the issue.

We went into the belly of the beast so to say to see how the enemy works.... St. Paul, Minnesota. There we visited a local parade celebrating hockey or cheese or something. Well what we experienced was shocking! It was practically a "mosh pit" with people trampling over each other, fighting, and stealing candy from babies. I was nearly trampled to death.

Of course the term Yankee or Snowbird has come to mean something different now on the Eastern Shore. It's not so much a person re-located from the north, but now more of a blanket on Facebook term for any A#shole you happen to meet i.e "A stupid Yankee was talking on his phone behind me at the movies!". Just two weeks ago a man casually expressed to me "Nothing makes me sicker than these Snowbirds coming down here to just breathe our God-given southern air!". I waited for him to laugh or even smile but the man frowned and grew slightly re-faced just thinking about it. This really happened! There are real live people around us that are presently angry at other people for... breathing. Whats ironic is that this is a prominent business owner that relies heavily on tourists for income.

The moral of the story is that there are assholes everywhere no matter what age, sex, religion, or race. It's best to just display the Southern Hospitality that we're known for the world over no matter what the person is doing. I recommend a day where we all just go and hug one of our tourists. Find the fanny packed lady with the visor and the "Life's a Beach" t-shirt and just wop a big smacker on her and tell her you appreciate her. Maybe even offer to buy her a slice of apple pie with a slice of cheese on it. I hear they like that.